I love that this blog is the one area of my life that gives me no stress or pressure. I love that I can go days or weeks without visiting it and it doesn’t get mad. It doesn’t judge me if I haven’t called it or checked in. It’s just a pause, a blip and I can happily continue where I last left off. I know some people are adamant about writing everyday- and in a discipline sort of way, I see how this is a positive thing. If I had time, or wanted to make the time, I probably would write every day. But when life is busy and I’m relatively happy- I don’t want to write.

Writing has always been a coping mechanism to me. From a very young age, when things were painful or difficult to deal with, I would pour my naiive words into a journal. Some have said that my writing (especially my poetry) is dark and sometimes depressing. But sometimes I can be both dark and depressed. I think that’s precisely why this place is called Dark Yet Lovely. I see the beauty in my dark side. I see that through pain and struggles I become stronger. I can see that I have survived every day of my life- some more beautiful than others. I write through the darkness. My pen acts as lightening- splitting the clouds of misery and depression. It brings light and clarity, if only for a moment. Sometimes, writing the awful things means I don’t have to hold onto them anymore. It means they can no longer torment or weigh down my soul. When they are splayed across a page, they are free and so am I. I actually enjoy going back and reading my darker poems. Reading about odds that felt insurmountable, and seeing how far I have come is a fulfilling feeling. Beauty can truly be found in anything.

Anywhooo I love doing these dorky get-to-know-you-isms so that is what I plan to do today. I warn you- it’s crafty, but then so am I.

1. Name your two favorite scrapbook topics? Well since I am just getting into scrapbooking (digiscrapping) I can’t really pic a favorite. The only album I have made so far is of my 2007 trip to England. I plan on doing my wedding though.

14. If you could have TWO super-powers, what would they be? I would like to magically lose weight- without all the hard work of course. I would also like to read minds so I could better guage people (I’m a HUGE overthinker!)

15. Name two words that describe your stamping/scrapbooking style?
Simplistic and “newbie” lol!

16. Name two stamp companies that seem to collect all your money.
SU and Two Peas In a Bucket

Lol… my hiatus apparently has some lingering power because this is much later than I planned on writing part 2 of “The Car that Hated Me”. I actually got a comment (for once!) that said something along the lines of, “Hurry up woman!”. Hee hee! Thanks for kicking my butt in gear.

So we were at the bit when we finally got our car home. We parked and then immediately ran inside to grab a bucket to collect the spew of oil from underneath our car… err well my husband did. I did the typical woman thing and lost my mind.

When the reality set in of the expense of fixing this NEW car and the utter stupidity of how it happened and the exhaustion of our big trip home… the tears started falling. And what do you know? I called my mother. Yes my poor mother had to listen to our crappy story through the middle of my heartwrenched sobs. No matter how awful situations seem to me at the time, my mother is able to cut through the drama with a knife. She always is able to bring logic and reason to almost anything.

Her advice?  

A) Your husband needs a hug. This car is his baby and he was the guy who put her on the curb. He feels much worse than you could EVER make him feel. Go hug him.

B) Call the dealership and at least get an estimate. Don’t cry over split milk until you know how much you split. (ie. Don’t freak out about the cost until you KNOW the cost!)

C) Call around for a ride to work. You guys are always helping people out when they need it, shouldn’t they do the same.

D) Once you get an estimate from the shop call your insurance. Find out what your deductible and rate changes would be if you chose to claim. Then you can decide which route is better.

See? Just pure logic. A smart individual would come up with this all by themselves. I am the weirdo who needs to hear this stuff from my mother. It’s all things I know, but in the panic of the moment all I could think of is:

A) I cannot under any circumstances afford this. We just paid for Christmas and a big road trip. We are FLAT broke. This could not come at a worse time. *cue pity party music and visions of DH and I eating ichiban noodles for the rest of our days*

B) How could DH have been SOOOOOO stupid? I mean, I even told him the curb was there! What an idiot!  Grr… he should have to pay for this by himself! Why should I suffer for his mistakes? *this should include steam billowing out of ears, lying prostrate on the floor kicking and screaming. ya know, really compassionate, loving, mature behaviour!*

C) We’re completely stranded! How the heck will we survive? Buses don’t link to DH’s work and are seriously inconvenient to get to mine. I can’t possibly afford a cab every morning and evening to get to work and I really can’t take more holidays!!

 In short, I make my own life hard. Who do you think my DH would prefer to be around- Reaction #1 or Reaction #2?? Poor guy. I suppose he was warned I was a lunatic before he married me, so it’s fair.

 Anyway, to sum up the car that hates me situation. We managed to get her towed to our dealership on Tuesday but they couldn’t fit her in for an estimate until FRIDAY. *sigh* Apparently the holidays really bring out the stellar drivers in each of us. So we finally get the estimate and we got good news and bad news.

Good news: Only the oil pan was damaged. The rest of the undercarriage went unscathed.

Bad news: The cost of replacing said oil pan? $1165.00!!! We called around to see if we could find a cheaper part used or whatever and no such luck. Our vehicle is brand new and there ARE no used parts for it. Greeeattt!

I don’t know about you, but I do not have $1165.00 just sitting around waiting to be spent. Especially not right after the gloriously expensive Christmas season. So we call our insurer, cause that’s what insurance is FOR right?

You’d think so. Our insurer tells us that we have a giant deductible and our rates will skyrocket should we choose to claim this. We would also need to file a police report (because the damage is over $1000) and have an adjuster come and inspect it. Ummm does any of this sound good to you?

So we have to pay it out of pocket. I don’t believe it using credit cards and oh, looky here January is the month our rent went up by $150.00 and we are broke. *sigh* What to do?

Eventually I scrimped and saved and did enough financial gymnastics to come up with the funds. We were eventually able to borrow a vehicle from my DH’s work to get us through the week.

So after much hulabaloo Layla (our car) is fixed. My DH is leaving work this morning to go pick her up. I hope they at least WASHED the poor girl.

I’m back!!

 After a much-needed and MUCH appreciated hiatus from blogging I am back. My soul needs to write again and thus my fingers are flying furiously across this keyboard in my excitement!

I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas holiday. I know I did. The hubby and I made the long trek home to see both sets of families. I am terrified of winter driving so it’s always a bit of a prickly situation for me! But the Big Guy provided and we made it home safe and sound.

I love going home for Christmas. I love seeing all my old highschool friends, now toting their latest boyfriend or toddler home. I love my family’s traditions and how they just feel “right”. *sigh* I love listening to the same old Christmas cd I have listened to since 1989 till I am blue in the face! I love the food, the treats, the naughty drinks! I love the stockings, the gifts, the Christmas hats, dorky jokes and Christmas crackers! There is something so fabulous about being home for the holidays. But like always, despite the fact that I love my family to bits, after about three days I start getting irritated by stupid little things. This time we stayed for five days, and by the time we left I was ready to say goodbyes. Lol! Funny how that works. I miss them so much living away from them and then I get there and get irked by silly little non-issues! Oh well it never ended in conflict so we had a lovely time.

Then it was off to the in-laws for a few days. My hubby’s parents are building their dream home on this amazing 100 acre lot they purchased. They have put so much hard labour into this log home and when it’s finished it will be beautiful! We drove up to this new property for a “snow day” and throughly enjoyed ourselves. We snowboarded and snowmobiled and ate hot pizza and sat around a fire with hot chocolate. It snowed the whole time and the snow on the ground was above my knees! It was bliss! Even my teeny weeny dog loved the snow- though he wasn’t tooooo fond of the barn cat. It was an adventure and it was good for the soul.

The snow made for some baaaad roads driving back home though. We passed more accidents than we could count. One guy was actually getting the load from his semi truck pulled out of the river with a crane!! That wouldn’t be my idea of a good time. But again, the good Lord provided and we made it safely- the whole 10 hour drive home.

So all was good, even coming back to a rather chaotic mess at home didn’t bother me. We were lovely and relaxed until the next morning (New Year’s Eve). Hubster and I had made a quick dash to the grocery store to restock our fridge and were just pulling out of the parking lot when I camly remarked to my dear husband, “Watch out for that curb eh?” Now he either didn’t hear me (he said he thought I was joking???!!) or it just didn’t click because he promptly smacked our 5 month old, first new car EVER in and on top of the curb.  Now don’t get me wrong, my hubby is a FANTASTIC driver. But we were tired and distracted and it didn’t really make for an ideal driving situation. So anyway, we’re stuck on this icy curb and the car won’t go backwards OR forwards. So we get out of the car to assess the situation and it’s a doozy! We are officially high-centered on this damn curb. So I am BITING my tongue to keep from saying helpful things like, “I TOLD you there was a curb!” and “What the heck did you do?” and instead steam is blowing out my ears in my frustration. A lovely gentlemen pulls up next to us and offers to help, which was really good of him and pretty rare here in the city. Between him and my hubby they pulled/drove her off the curb. YAY right?

Uhhh no. As the car pulled off the curb I was able to see a massive puddle of brown liquid on the pavement. THIS was the conversation that followed.

Good Samaritan: “Uhhh buddy, I’m pretty sure that that liquid is from your car.”

Hubby: “Oh s*%$! I think I put a hole in my oil pan or something”

Good Samaritan: “If this thing is a four-litre you have about five minutes TOPS to get home”

Hubby and I: “GOOOO!!!!!”

So we hop into the car, yelling our thanks to the stranger. My hubby sticks the hazard lights on and flies across the nearest interesection to a gas station. He sprints out to the store, puts in 2 bottle of oil and zooms out onto the road. We’re flying through traffic, willing people to get out of our way, wincing at every red light and stop sign just PRAYING that our car makes it home.

And it did. And then we were stranded without a vehicle… and all the shops are closed cuz it’s the holidays… CRAP!

*Part 2 tomorrow!*

I was reading a thread on a forum I belong too and the OP challenged us all to write a letter to ourselves at 17. If we knew then what we know now or could have a “do-over” what would we say/do? What wisdom have we gleaned from our life experiences that would have really helped us back then? What silly things did we hold fast to, that weren’t worth the effort?

I thought it was an interesting idea and there are certainly a lot of insights I have now that I didn’t have at seventeen. While I am a big believer that your experiences, both good and bad, form who you are and shouldn’t be regretted- it’s really amazing to reflect on what you would change if you could. So here goes it…

*********************************************************************************************************

Dear Me at Seventeen,

First of all, I love you. I don’t even think you fully know what a gift that is yet, but you will. I recognize your value and your worth as a human being. I recognize that God makes no mistakes and he made you the way you are for a purpose.

You are smart, really smart and that is not a bad thing. Stop dumbing yourself down for people who you won’t ever see after highschool. University is meant for studying, not partying. If you miss that memo you will forever regret it.

Follow your passions. Never lose your creativity or love of dance and worship. Opportunities will present themselves if you seek after them. Remember when you move away from home and try to find a church- to seek God and not the church itself. You may never find a church like CBC, but you will find something just as good (just different) if you have a heart to find God.

Watch your mouth. Your sarcasm may get a few laughs but it cuts people more than you know. BE funny, but not at other people’s expense. You love to laugh- and your sense of humour will help you deal with unimaginable pain.

You have had a Cinderella complex in the past- get over it! Not every man is going to be Prince Charming. You need to tell someone about how that ex abused you and you need to NEVER allow anyone to make you feel that small again. Men are not toys, even though you can play them, you will break at least one heart and you will always regret that.

You will find love, at seventeen, and if you stay faithful to him he will never lead you astray. You are actually dating your future husband, treat him accordingly.

The world is not black and white. There is not always clearly defined lines of “right” and “wrong”. It’s ok to not pick a side, sometimes.

Your faith is your foundation. If you let it crack it will weaken your identity.

Don’t let people’s opinions of you affect your opinion of yourself. Stop lying, they know when your full of crap.

Get out of negative friendships. You have one person in particular who will wound you so deeply that you will spend years trying to rid yourself of the bitterness. You don’t need to pour yourself out to her only to be rejected, betrayed and misled. You cannot allow her to steal your joy. Ask for help and confront the situation with someone else present.

Beauty is not only found within, it is created within. You are blessed enough to be beautiful on the outside too. I know you don’t feel that way and every pimple and bulgy bit of skin seems repugnant to you- but you are really beautiful. Enjoy being skinny- it doesn’t last!

You will one day be appreciated for your listening and heartfelt wisdom. You will learn more about people if you do not judge them. You will gain many lifelong friendships by just listening when they need it.

Drama does not always equal interest. There are better ways to fill your time.

You are an old soul in a young body- celebrate that. Celebrate that you have a headstart on other people instead of being embarassed.

Invest in a little company called Starbucks and another called Google- it’s a goooood idea.

Love always, Yourself

 ********************************************************************************************************

So I challenge you, my very few readers, to write a letter to yourself at 17. Or even write one now to yourself at 30, 40 or 50. It’s interesting and revealing!

So I am a big giant cheater pants and I found this Meme on PluckyMomma’s blog today and I decided that it would make a good edition to my 100 Things continuation.

61) Who is your significant other? Andre

62) How long have you been together? Known for 7 years, together for 5 1/2 years and married for 1 1/2 (you can tell I’m still a newlywed because the HALF is very important!)

63) Dating/Engaged/Married? Hitched

64) How old is your S.O.? 23

65) What’s his/her middle name? Dalton after his Great-Grandfather 

66) Who eats more? Him. More and waaaayy faster too!

67) Who says “I love you” first? Both

6 Who weighs more? *sigh* Me

69) Who sings better? I think I do but he’s pretty good too. I’ve just had the training and whatnot.

70) Who’s older? Him.

71) Who’s smarter? I’m not really sure. We’re both pretty smart. He excels in math and physics but I could kick him booty in English and History stuff.

72) Whose temper is worse? It’s not that mine is WORSE, it’s just faster!

73) Who does the laundry? Both

74) Who does the dishes? Him. I hate dishes with a firey passion.

75) Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? He does.

76) Whose feet are bigger? His.

77) Whose hair is longer? Bahaha! I just got a visual of him with my hair *spew!*. Mine is much longer thankfully.

7 Who’s better with the computer? He is… my very own lil nerd! I’m better with stuff like Excel and whatnot but he can do anything and everything else!

79) Who mows the lawn? The City. Mostly because my “backyard” is a park.

80) Who pays the bills? Me mainly. We both do it but I am the Budget MASTER!!

81) Who cooks dinner? He does. I am spoiled!!

82) Who drives when you are together? I don’t have a license cuz I am a loser- so uhhh he does!

83) Who pays when you go out to dinner? Me usually. Well “we” do cuz it’s all the same moolah but I usually get up and do the button punching.

84) Who’s the most stubborn? We are both mules! I am more vocal about being stubborn but good lord- he is just as bad as me!

85) Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? I think I am. But he’s also getting better about it.

86) Whose parents do you see more? His. Mine live further away.

87) Who named your dog? We both did. His name is Baloo.

8 Who kisses who first? Oooooh tough one. Tied I think!

89) Who asked who out? He asked me out

90) Who’s more sensitive? Me, me, me, me, me!

91) Who’s taller? He’s got an inch or two on me

92) Who has more friends? I do- but we share friends.

93) Who has more siblings? He does. He has 3 and I have 2

94) Who wears the pants in the relationship? I think our relationship is pretty “pantsless” for the most part. But I am definately more decisive than he is and therefore if we need direction I’m usually the one to provide it.

41) My favorite holiday is Christmas

42) I remember my childhood vividly- even bits of being very very young. I remember sounds and smells and things people were wearing, far more than the actually experience.

43) It breaks my heart that I lost all of my Grandparents when I was young. I consider it a gift that I have no negative memories about them

44) My brother has very serious epilepsy and I worry about it a lot

45) I think music is how God speaks to me.

46) I have always wanted a tattoo of angel wings on my back. I think I have now changed my mind- and I’m glad I never did it.

47) I have a serious metal allergy and even react to the buttons on my pants

4 I was stabbed in highschool… and I blocked the entire experience out of my head. I didn’t tell anyone it happened and I didn’t go to the doctor. It wasn’t till months later that my mother walked in on me changing and noticed the infected wound that I got medical attention. I still can’t remember anything about how it happened.

49) My mother couldn’t have children- I am her miracle baby.

50) My soup blew up in the microwave today at work and I am mighty PO’d about it.

51) If I could change anything about my wedding day- I wouldn’t.

52) I love the childhood I had but I wish my siblings were a part of it.

53) I want to move to England at some point.

54) I love to write poetry, verse and prose. If I could have any job in the world I would be a singer/songwriter

55) My mother dreamt about my future husband when I was a little girl. It was so powerful, she wrote the dream down but she wouldn’t tell me any details about it at all. After I was engaged, she let me read it. In the dream she sees me and my future husband walking hand and hand down a beach at sunset. My DH proposed at sunset on a beach- he had never heard anything about her dream. That’s part of the reason I KNEW I was with the right man.

56) When I was little, I had a memory wreath. Every vacation I would save a rock or feather or shell and glue it to the wreath when we returned home. While the wreath itself is kind of ugly- it’s an amazing testament to my childhood.

57) I am making ALL my Christmas presents this year in an effort to thwart materialism.

5 I think I am insane for taking on the projects above

59) It’s hard to think of 100 things about yourself

60) I have the same drink at Starbucks 90% of the time- Grande, Non-Fat, Extra-Hot, Caramel Macchiato.

For anyone in the crafting world like me, you’ve probably heard about the gorgeous new paper line. Webster’s pages. If not, check out Terri Conrad Designs and check out her amazing work!

 To get us in the festive spirit, she’s having a ton’o'great giveaways. All you have to do is visit her blog to play along.

Contest starts today!!

21) I think those little finger protectors that help you turn pages are nasty

22) The men I have had the deepest connections to in my life are not usually the physically attractive ones.

23) I pop Advil like it’s candy and haven’t had a day without pain since Grade 6.

24) My SIL doesn’t know that I resent the way she treats me.

25) I am so excited to be a part of my new church.

26) I want to get a “friend” for my dog because I’m scared that he’s lonely.

27) Being a passenger in a car is more frightening than driving.

2 Even when I’m in a lake I always think there MIGHT be sharks in it.

29) A coffee in the morning makes me human.

30) Tea can cure any ailment (blame the British in me).

31) I think I am too old for acne but no one mentioned this to my skin.

32) I have names picked out for my future children and my DH loves them.

33) The second night after we were married, we stayed in the bedroom DIRECTLY across from my parents in a chalet. It was the weirdest feeling ever.

34) I pluck the dark hairs on my DH’s back and he hates it (but lets me do it). They bother me immensely!!

35) I think I have a strange personality in that I am so outgoing and yet I have this big giant sensitive heart that no one sees.

36) I love Christmas so much and yet consistently get disappointed by it.

37) The friends I care about most, are people I haven’t spoken to in a long time.

3 I love working out but I have to fight myself to go.

39) I think I am a funny person, but I couldn’t tell a joke to save my life.

40) I met my DH at summer camp- LAME! lol

Continuing my count of 100 Little Known Facts about Me

11) I cannot drink water out of a glass- it doesn’t feel right. I want it in a bottle.

12) I hated seafood until I met my DH. He was a chef and the first person to make seafood appetizing, it’s now one of my favorite foods.

13) I cannot wear orange or yellow without my skin looking green.

14) I used to sneak my Mum’s 20 year old makeup (I know eeewwww!) because I wasn’t allowed to wear it.

15) I once wrote the F word on a blackboard in school and no one ever found out it was me.

16) I used to hate my middle name and now I treasure it.

17) I find my DH far more attractive now then when we first started dating.

1 I am afraid of having ugly babies.

19) My father wanted to name me Fiona… I am so glad my mother talked some sense into him

20) I love chocolate but I don’t like chocolate cake or  chocolate icecream. Most people think that makes me a nut!

If you’ve ever been around anyone churchy, chances are you’ve heard the poem Footprints. It’s all about a guy walking along a beach (his life). He looks back and during the good times there were two sets of footprints (God and him) and during the rough times he only sees one set of footprints. And this guy gets all and at God and demands to know why he would have left him alone during the hardest times in his life and God assures him that he never left, where there is only one set of footprints, that is God carrying him.

I grew up with this poem and I always thought it was a neat parable. But it got me to thinking, when I look back at the footprints of my life… where have I been? As a child, I collected rocks. Whenever we went to the beach I would spend most of the time looking down at the ground. The ones I wanted to keep I would give to my parents for safe-keeping. Well after twenty or thirty “special” rocks the weight would add up and my parents would start dumping them out when I wasn’t looking. In the same way I have collected rocks through my life. I have picked up pretty ones and not so pretty ones and now they are becoming heavy…

It just struck me how much the past really affects us. How much our childhood experiences taint us for good or bad. For example, a child that is hit so much he thinks its normal will likely grow up to hit out of anger. It’s sad but true. I was raised to be an over-achiever, a perfectionist. Not because my parents were horrible, but because they truly wanted the best out of me. They wanted me to “be all I could be”. I stood out so much in school for being smart. I never was a “nerd” but I was always set apart for my intelligence. Even in highschool, my teachers would make special arrangements for me and set me apart from others. Then I got to university and I became a number. No one cared about my circumstances or who I was. If I didn’t perform like “so” I reaped the consequences! I had such a difficult time staying motivated if no one told me I did a good job. I find it hard to be proud of myself for what I do on its own merit. I feel like if my achievements are unrecognized than I have not achieved anything at all. How pathetic… one more stone in my pocket.

All the stones I carry of broken friendships, fears, misunderstandings and disillusionments weigh me down. My pockets are literally bulging with these dirty, broken stones. If I look closer, I carry some pretty stones too. Like the friend I have an inappropriate attraction too and our memories of old times together. What a pretty memory. The pretty stones are the memories of being skinny and attractive, all the boys I’ve kissed and the juicy, precious moments of my past. Even the pretty ones weigh me down.

My footprints are far deeper than they need to be. When will I become smart enough to dump out my pockets? To empty this mass I have carried so voluntarily? Could my next set of footprints really be lighter? Could I be energized enough to run or skip? I would be much more likely to dance in the sand if I wasn’t so petrified of losing my precious cargo.

What do you carry with you?