First of all- you must know that I am one of those ridiculous women who FEEL everything. I care about everything under the sun. I care that someone I don’t know or don’t like or don’t care to know has a bad opinion about me. I care when people misunderstand me. I care that some perfect stranger on the street bumped into me and didn’t apologize. I care that some angry driver flips me the bird when clearly I have done nothing wrong. I care when I’m gossiped about. I care when I can’t reach someone, can’t get through to them or connect to them. I literally care about everything.
And thus I want to discuss and “fix” everything. I want to reach conclusions and solutions. I want to reconcile differences and understand intentions. I want to make things all better. I don’t want to be right necessarily, but I want you to understand where I was coming from, why I did what I did or said what I said.
And then I married a mute.
Not literally, but close. Now before I vent, I must put up this disclaimer: I love my husband with all my heart. He is an amazing, wonderful man and I am truly glad I married him. But as his wife I have every right to vent my frustrations to blogland, because even expressing myself to nothingness is somehow pacifying.
So he’s mute- or as good as. Oh don’t get me wrong, he talks all the time. He laughs, he makes jokes, he even gets in deep discussions. He’s fantastic until the SLIGHTEST sign of conflict, and then he’s mute. This man can literally shut down if I so much as raise my voice slightly. He can fall asleep while I sob my heart out. He can ignore me till the cows come home. He can stick his head in the sand and wait for the issue to just be over. And even as I write this, I realize it makes me sound like a raving lunatic. I sound like the type of woman who freaks out incessantly and whines and cries when people are sick of it. I don’t feel this is the case.
Compared to how he used to be, he is certainly improving. He is getting better at speaking up in times of conflict and actually participating when things aren’t peachy. BUT he has developed two habits that are slowly driving me up the wall. The first is that he only sees about “this much” of a situation. It’s like he sees a situation with blinders on. To give you a completely fictional example:
After the 12 millionth time of Jimmy leaving his wet towel on the floor, Sandra has had enough! She angrily picks the towel up, marches to the couch where Jimmy is sitting and lays into him.
Sandra- “JIMMY! I have asked you a million times to not leave your dirty wet towel on the floor. These are expensive towels and it makes a mess. You obviously don’t care about me or the last million times I’ve asked because you’re still doing it!!”
Jimmy- “Uhh sorry… I won’t do it again”
Sandra- (bursts into tears) “Yeah right you won’t!”
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I know, amazing story. Of course it’s a bit exaggerated but what is the point of venting if you’re not allowed to embellish things slightly? Now my dear hubby, if he were playing the role of Jimmy, would be bewildered. All he would see is his crazy wife Sandra, going ballistic over one measly towel left on the floor! He would treat her like she was irrational and over-reacting. One freaking towel- no need to fuss. He thinks that his promise of never doing it again should placate her.
What our dear, fictional Jimmy does not see is everything that has led up to this seemingly irrational explosion. He doesn’t remember all the times he has done this before. Or the way he’s been ignoring her lately. He doesn’t notice that he stopped opening doors for her, or he embarrassed her in front of his friend last night. The wet towel was simply the last straw. Sandra never spoke up about the other things. The way those things made her feel worthless and uncared for. She didn’t get upset about those incidents, because they were little. But little things add up and this little thoughtless act with the towel was the final act for her. She had to let him know what he was doing, so she flew off the handle. And after a million times of asking, ANOTHER empty promise of him never doing it again seems worthless.
This would be a typical little spat with us. My dear darling husband comes off as this poor victim who’s lunatic wife is ranting about ONE towel. He has blinders on to any of the lead-up to it.
Then my favorite excuses of all time come up. Whenever he does something wrong it’s either “an accident” or “he forgot”. This is an intelligent, successful man. He doesn’t forget to go to work, or dress himself or buy himself a coffee. He only “forgets” when it comes to me, or something I have asked of him. Selective memory at its finest. He also does not have “accidents” at work. If he were having accidents all the time he would not be employed, he would not have a clean driving record or be considered a competent student. Again, the “accidents” seem to happen around me. And because of these two lovely excuses, my husband thinks I should just get over it. Because there was no intentional effort to hurt me or cause me pain, I should not be upset. But not caring, not thinking and not considering me HURTS!!! It is just as painful to be forgotten as it is to be insulted in my opinion. He will not take ownership of this sort of thing.
And if I manage to explain myself and he feels even a tiny twinge of guilt then he comes out running in defensive mode. What about HIS feelings? Don’t his feelings matter at ALL? Well yes, of course they do. But why are you suddenly going off about feelings you never expressed before? Feelings you would never have brought up at all until I made you feel wrong about something and now you’re filled with FEELINGS that I’m not considering. At this point in an argument I don’t really care about these convenient feelings that just popped out of nowhere, because if he hasn’t noticed we’re talking about MINE!! *panting, takes a breath*
See? I care. I care that I can’t get through to the man I love. I care that we go ’round and ’round in circles and both end up feeling worse then we did before. I care that resolution seems unreachable. I care that little things can add up to big things. I care that I feel so wounded by someone who won’t acknowledge that he’s wounded me. I care.
And thus I am trying something new- I am trying on apathy for size. I am trying to put walls back up around my heart. Because sometimes intimacy costs t0o much. I would rather feel crappy on my own thank you very much. So here goes my best attempt at feeling nothing for the man I feel too much for.
I don’t have much faith in numbness, but I hope it gets me through today…
